


the heart has its own memory

by NoxWrites



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, also i love aasimars, and she's a wee bit jealous, yasha's returned from her orphanmaking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-22
Updated: 2019-08-22
Packaged: 2020-10-01 17:40:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20353879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoxWrites/pseuds/NoxWrites
Summary: She is another Aasimar and she is everything Yasha wasn’t, she told the group all about herself, she never held a secret from them, she was joyous and bright and full of life. Yasha can still taste the betrayal of her family and the death of her happiness whenever she closes her mouth.orbeauyasha jealousy fic





	the heart has its own memory

She knows she has no right, no right to feel this burning in her chest at the mere act of watching what happens in front of her. And yet, she feels the fire rage more and more with each passing second. She stands in the back of the tavern, leaning her shoulder against one of the tavern’s walls. 

Skingorger and The Magician’s Judge lean against the tavern’s weapons rack. This tavern, in particular, doesn’t allow weapons past the threshold. They’re accompanied by Jester’s sickle, Nott’s daggers (but not her crossbow because the little goblin hid it away beneath her cloak), and Beau’s bo staff. There are more weapons along the rack, all guarded by two large goliaths whose muscles seem to be the only weapons they need, but one weapon, in particular, irritates Yasha more than it should. A beautifully crafted scimitar with a glow that matches its owners persona. 

The owner is leaning on her forearms as she listens intently to a familiar monk tell the story of the Mighty Nein’s run-in with Dashilla. The Mighty Nein apparently met her in Uthodurn, the time when Yasha was battling her own mind and had betrayed the closest people she had to family. She is another Aasimar and she is everything Yasha wasn’t, she told the group all about herself, she never held a secret from them, she was joyous and bright and full of life. Yasha can still taste the betrayal of her family and the death of her happiness whenever she closes her mouth. Yasha lives with the reminder of death whenever she felt enraged, black skeletal wings that only hid when she wasn’t killing while this girl bore a halo of bright golden light that seemed to give life to everyone around her, save for Yasha herself.

Her name is Reanminere, but everyone seems to call her Reani. Yasha, despite all her anger, found her name to be beautiful. Yasha watches with a poorly guised anger as Reani laughs at something Beau had said, reaching a hand on Beau’s bicep. Her hand rests on Beau’s bicep far longer than necessary. 

Yasha just wants to retreat to her room and forget everything as she goes into an ignorant sleep. But before leaving she punches the tavern wall in pure anger, hoping to expel some of that anger before she retires for the night. It causes the tavern to shake and everyone’s attention to turn to Yasha, specifically the hole Yasha had just put in the tavern’s wall. 

She storms up the tavern’s stairs, away from people who annoy her with their mere existence. She hears Fjord’s muffled shout of ‘ _ We’ll pay for that _ ’ before slamming her door shut.

Her room is her room, no one else in the group is sleeping in the same room and she’s thankful. She may have been back for a while but she can’t shake the feeling of betrayal whenever she looks in her family’s eyes. She slept in Jester and Beau’s room on the first night of her return and she couldn’t sleep. With a room full of people she betrayed, she couldn’t breathe. She slept for maybe five minutes on the first night and woke in terror, screaming while her wings spread behind her. It took Beau and Jester ten minutes to talk her down and another ten minutes to get her wings to curl back. 

She decided after that night she wouldn’t sleep in the same room as anyone else and to not burden the group she had been paying for her room separately. Even on her own, her heart doesn’t calm at night, and the sound of thunder does nothing to quell her racing heart as it once did. Thunder nowadays brings her to tears, it’s the sound and the light which rattles her soul in her body. She feels disappointment in herself, she let down the storm lord. She wasn’t strong enough to break the shackles of her past and it brought her nothing but pain and anguish. Even now she is worried she isn’t strong enough to win should her mind fight itself once again. 

The mere thought of her mind fighting itself once more brings her to tears, each tear stinging her eyes as they fall. She puts her forearm against the far wall in her room, her back to the door, and she rests her head against her forearm as her body shakes with sadness. She tries to squeeze her eyes shut as if them being closed would make the emotions stop, would make her feelings disappear along with her vision. 

“You going to act angry for the rest of your life?”

Yasha slowly opens her eyes at the familiar voice. She slowly turns her head, glancing over her shoulder she can see Beau outlined only by the light of the lively tavern below. Beau leans against the door frame, half in the room half out. Beau steps forward, close enough to Yasha that she puts an extended hand on Yasha’s back, just below her neck and along her spine. Yasha shakes her head and leans it back against her forearm.

“I’m not in the mood Beau if you want some smiles and happiness maybe you should go back to  _ Reani _ .” Yasha hates how the druid’s name comes out of her, full of jealousy and vitriol.

Yasha feels the warmth leave her back, Beau’s hand disappears and the wood creaks as Beau steps backward. “Maybe I will.”

Yasha’s heart yells at her and her soul burns her, but her mind urges her to stay and let Beau leave. The strongest wins the argument and Yasha turns on her heel to reach out her hand to grab Beau’s wrist. With all of her heart and soul, Yasha pulls Beau to her, putting her arms around Beau because she needs to be sure this is real. She had this dream many nights with the Laughing Hand and Oberon and she would wake with a rock in her chest that her mind tried to ignore. 

So, with all of her heart and soul, Yasha kisses Beau. She’s gentle, afraid if she puts too much pressure she’ll wake once more in the wastelands of Xhoras. Her lips move softly with Beau and as Yasha is about to step back, Beau kisses her back. Yasha expects it to be a fiery kiss of pure anger and hate but all Beau does is kiss her softly, the type of kiss they might give each other if they met under different circumstances in the middle of a field of wildflowers where neither of them have suffered the lashings the world has given them. The type of kiss that a wife will give to her wife in the middle of the night out of pure love and with no further intentions than showing her dedication.

Yasha wants to fall into the arms of this kiss and never return to the real world. The world could be burning around them with monsters and demons running the world into hell but Yasha wouldn’t care if Beau was kissing her in this way. But she has to pull away because they’re both mere mortals and they need air to breathe.

Yasha rests her forehead against Beau’s when they separate from their kiss and what she thought was a wetness on her lips from the kiss was a wetness from the tears falling from her eyes. Beau reaches up and with unusual gentleness, she brushes at Yasha’s tears. 

“I was in there.” Yasha’s voice is hoarse and just below a whisper, she speaks words only meant for the ears of Beau and herself. “When the doors were closing, I saw. I saw each and every one of you looking at me and I saw each of your looks. The betrayal and heartbreak and anger and confusion on everyone’s face. I was in there and I was screaming to be let out, to be released to go with you but my own mind wouldn’t listen to myself. I tried my hardest but my body wasn’t my own.”

Beau hushes her and kisses her on the cheek, “It’s okay, you’re back now.”

“No, Beau, I can’t… I can’t lose anyone else. I almost lost you, all of you. It broke me, each day I would murder but I didn’t care because I was already broken, thinking you all hated me.” Yasha lets out a deep breath and her body shudders. 

“Jester always had hope you would come back to us.” Beau wipes a fresh tear from Yasha’s left eye.

Yasha takes a breath to steady herself before she leans back a bit. “And you?”

Beau gives Yasha a sad smile. “I hoped for a storm. Every night I couldn’t sleep I would hope for a storm and every storm I begged for you to return. I begged for you to be brought home, back to us. I was hurt for a long time, but I also just wanted you back.”

Yasha nods her head in understanding. Beau takes a step back, her hands fall down Yasha’s arms and to her hands. Beau takes Yasha’s hands in her own.

“I’m going to tell Jester and Reani that I’m going to bed, okay?” When Yasha looks up at Beau with terror Beau hushes her. “We’ll just try it slowly okay. Maybe one person asleep with you won’t be as bad as two.”

“What if I hurt you?” Yasha’s brow furrows in contemplation.

Beau smiles sadly and kisses Yasha’s lips once more, “I trust you.”

**Author's Note:**

> boop, im on tumblr [@canaries](http://canaries.tumblr.com) and on twitter [@sapphicnox](http://twitter.com/sapphicnox)


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